Antipode
by Magentian
Summary: There is a thin line between love and hate, between need and indifference. But when Axel leaves Roxas behind, that line will blur, casting everything that is known into chaos. [Slash. Akuroku. Rated for later chapters.]
1. Prologue: Diviner

Saïx dreamed.

_An empty, desolate street, like every other in the __Dark __City.__ A man, shoulders squared, spitting out words without a meaning._

"You can't turn your back on the Organization!"

Flames danced in and out of his vision. A gleam of light appeared, vanished. The scene swam before his eyes…

"You get on their bad side and they'll destroy you!"

_Another face.__ The boy. Was it? Blue eyes gleamed. Behind him, a blade. It _was_ the boy…Roxas. A traitor? Impossible…_

_The man had paused, staring at the other's back as though burning holes in his jacket might change his mind. Signs blinked meaninglessly at no one in the distance. Roxas gave a short, derisive laugh._

"No one would miss me."

_And the Key of Destiny vanished into oblivion, fading from the Diviner's sight. _

_The red-haired man shook his head. His lips moved, but no sound came as he slumped downward in hopeless defeat._

The flames flickered and died. Saïx rolled over in his bed, nearly waking, and suddenly found himself engulfed in them – burning, choking him, fighting to dominate. Axel's laughter rung through his ears. Agony, scorching agony, he couldn't move, couldn't breathe, memories of terror filled him with vivid accuracy… but suddenly, the flames lessened, died away. There was a smell of ash. His eyes still tingled with sunspots as he opened them.

The Luna Diviner sat up, Axel's final words of defeat – or triumph – ringing through his head.

"That's not true," Saïx repeated aloud, in wonder. "I would."

For a few moments, he sat there on his bed, perfectly still, lips slightly ajar in his distant, haughty face. Then he shook himself, and the dream-trance left him. Standing, he allowed himself a feral grin.

"How very… interesting."

Running a hand through his tousled hair, Saïx pulled on pants, stepped into boots, dressing with seamless precision. It took only a few seconds. He walked to the door, pulling his cloak from its rack, slipping it over his head without missing a step. The zipper forced him to pause. There. All in order.

Out, into the hallway, which was silent and deserted.

Everyone else would be sleeping. Perfect.

No need for Xigbar's eavesdropping or Demyx's noisy disturbances at this hour.

It would be just the two of them.

Saïx crossed the hallway, his feet carefully silent against the bare floor, until he reached a door which bore the inscription, _VIII._ A low whine came from the door as he pushed it open. He squinted into the darkness, but no need – his quarry lay there, sprawled among the sheets, red hair in frightful disarray upon the pillow, tousled but somehow charming. Saïx closed the door with a snap, and the green eyes opened. The Diviner smiled.

"Axel," he said, his voice quiet, crisp. "We need to talk."


	2. Chapter 1: Axel's Flight

_Note: This chapter contains some Axel/Saïx stuff. Nothing smutty or brain-damaging. Read on for further information._

_Disclaimer: None of the characters used within this story are mine._

-----

Axel glared at the intruder. "What do you want, Saïx? It's two in the morning."

"We need to talk," Saïx repeated evenly.

"Right, and this can't wait until some decent hour?"

"No."

Axel sighed, explosively, and swung himself out of bed. "Look, Saïx, I'm not trying to be rude –" He stopped himself. "Oh, wait. Back up. Never mind. Yes, I _am_ trying to be rude, because you're attempting to wake me up at _two in the morning_ for _no practical reason!_"

"I have my reasons," Saïx repeated, stolidly. He was trying not to stare. Apart from a pair of boxer shorts and what few tattoos the light of Kingdom Hearts revealed, Axel was quite naked.

Shaking himself awake from visions of a different sort, the Luna Diviner met Axel's eyes again and grinned. "As I've said, we need to talk. I have information that could be of interest to you, information which could well change your future."

"Riiight." Axel folded his arms defiantly. "I'm not stupid, Saïx, despite what you may have heard. What's in it for you?"

"Aside from the joy of talking to you, you mean?" Saïx said, all quiet seriousness.

Axel grinned, wearily. "Ha ha. Way to grow a sense of humor. Look, please, either cut to the chase, or go away and let me sleep."

The Diviner sighed. "As you wish."

He crossed to a chair and sank into it, inviting Axel to do the same. Once he was comfortable, Saïx began.

"It has come to my attention," he said, conversationally, "that you may shortly be betraying this Organization."

Axel stared for a moment, then laughed derisively. "You come in my room uninvited to tell me something that's that stupid and farfetched? Geez, Saïx, you oughta know better."

Saïx was impassive as ever. "I assure you, it is quite true. Within the month, you will leave us forever."

The redhead's face worked angrily. Saïx was rather enjoying himself. Of all the Organization, Axel was easily the best actor, and this show of emotion, too, promised not to disappoint.

"Look," Axel decided finally, in a tone that was obviously meant to be reasonable. "Surely you see why I have issues with this. Apart from the obvious, laughable stupidity of saying I'm going to betray everything I've worked so hard for…" He shook his head in exasperated wonder, then leveled his gaze at Saïx, pointing. "You come in my room – you didn't even _ask_ if you could _be_ in my room, _which_, by the way, is a privilege I grant to few –"

Primarily hookers from Port Royal, I presume, Saïx thought wryly. Judging from the posters.

"You don't even ask, you just show up in the dead of night when no one's around. And then you tell me some far-fetched science fiction that, somehow, within the coming month, I'm going to betray the Organization." Axel folded his arms, all arrogant defiance. "What sad, sick, psychopathic, antisocial game are you playing, Saïx? 'Cuz I'd love to get in on the action, but I can't if I don't know the rules." He shot Saïx a wicked grin.

"You will give important secrets to a man working against the Organization. For this crime, you will be apprehended. You will be tortured beyond your breaking point. You will eventually die, your own Assassins turning against you, a victim of your own foolish preferences."

Axel had finally had it. He leapt to his feet. "What?! All right, this… this is just ridiculous! I've _told _you, Saïx, and if you continue to pull this shit, you can get the _hell_ out. I would _never_ –"

"Calm yourself, Axel," said the Diviner. His voice was quiet, but he gazed up at Axel with eyes like knives, cool, deadly, completely impassive, a small smile playing on his lips. In a more reasonable tone, he said, "Surely you realize such mummery at emotions is pointless, and exhausting. Hear me out."

"But I…" Axel balled his fists helplessly, trying his best to argue.

"Sit," Saïx said, and finally, Axel did. The Luna Diviner leaned forward, glancing from side to side furtively, and spoke in a low, urgent voice.

"You asked me, a moment ago, what I stood to gain by telling you this. I do not think it rude or presumptuous to assume that neither of us is overly fond of the other. However… I know what is necessary. For the good of the Organization, it is imperative that we not lose you. You will be important for the task ahead. I say this, then, for your own safety and health."

Axel blinked, and, gradually, relaxed. The set of his shoulders released its tension. A long, low sigh echoed from between his lips. Dark lashes covered his vivid eyes for a moment before they returned to stare at Saïx with a new seriousness the Diviner had seldom seen.

"All right," he said, quietly. "Go on. I'm listening."

Saïx nodded his thanks, then leaned back. "The boy," he said abruptly. "Roxas. How is he? I have not seen him lately."

Axel looked startled by the question. "He's – fine. He's just… been spending some time in the library lately, that's all." The redhead began to look alarmed. "Why? What are you saying?"

Saïx leveled his gaze. "Axel. Within the week, Roxas will betray this Organization. He will leave to find his other. He will not return."

Axel's eyelids fluttered. After a long, tense moment, he shook his head. "No."

"You will try to stop him from leaving, but it will be of no avail."

"No."

"His mind is made up."

"_No!"_ Axel stood, all anger again, tossing his head back in rage and fear. "You're lying to me! Roxas would never do anything like that! I know he wouldn't! You're not fooling anyone, Saïx!"

Saïx blinked up at him languidly. "You are angry at me," he observed. It was a delightful sight.

"Angry doesn't _begin_ to cover it!" Axel roared, throwing one arm to the side in helpless rage. A nearby desk caught fire. The smell of smoke was starting to pervade the room – flickers of flame danced across the ceiling, licked at the walls, trapped and hungry. The temperature inched upward. "You stupid, lying _dog, _coming in here in the dead of night to feed me this… this…" Axel's hands clenched and unclenched, "this _shit! _You lie, you _snake_, you… you…"

Saïx just stared. Axel made a furious noise in the back of his throat, and charged, chakrams at the ready, swooping past the Luna Diviner in a frenzy of agitated flame.

Saïx dodged the first fiery projectile, which embedded itself in his chair. The second glinted harmlessly off the giant weapon he summoned. Holding it out, he looked calmly upward into Axel's eyes. The Flame stood behind him, an inferno at Saïx's back, full of a fury and rage that was strange, becoming, alien. What emotion, Saïx thought in distant admiration. What a flawless actor he is.

"I was rather afraid you would take it like this," he said softly. "If I had a heart, I might almost think of pitying you."

Axel stopped there, staring downward, his jaw working strangely. The flames curled around him, hissing in soft tongues of reassurance. A long, long moment passed. Finally, Axel made a dismissive motion. The fire flickered out. The chakram in Saïx's chair ebbed to nothing.

Axel walked back to his bed and sat. His face was a blank mask. The light of the Heart outside shone off his pale, flawless skin with a light that was almost tender. But ultimately cold, thought Saïx. As cold as any of us. Pale reflections, all.

"Are you ready?" asked the Diviner. "May I continue?"

Axel nodded silently, staring at the floor.

"I am unsure of the exact time of Roxas' departure," Saïx said. "However, I do know that it will undoubtedly happen, and it will have a tremendous impact on you. You will sink into a state mirroring despair, which will ultimately transform into madness. You will rebel against your orders, finally lashing out against us directly. You will go to find Roxas yourself – all alone. And you will not succeed." Saïx paused, unsure as to continue, but, receiving no sign to the contrary from Axel's arrested face, went on, "You will die, Axel, fade away at last, and still he will not have understood what his betrayal has caused. What it has cost you. He will never know how much you sacrificed, or that it was all in vain."

Axel made no motion. Saïx sighed. Standing, he walked to his colleague and placed a gloved hand on his shoulder. "I am sorry," Saïx whispered, knowing the falsity of such an emotional statement, but remembering, somehow, the necessity of the words.

Axel's eyes squeezed shut. His bare hand knocked Saïx's arm away. "Spare me your pity, Saïx," he murmured.

With that, the Flame stood, and walked to the window to stare at the waxing Heart outside.

"Axel," Saïx called, and, when he received no response, he stepped forward to close the distance between them, until he stood at the redhead's back, feeling the heat that even now rippled from his body, close enough to smell sweat mixing with the odd smoky scent of his hair.

"Please understand," Saïx whispered. "I tell you this because it is one possibility of what may happen. I would give much to see both you and Roxas stay here, just as you are now, and now… since I have told you, it may happen that way, after all. You can change all of it, if you so wish. You may prevent all of this from happening. There is still time. I have given you a chance. You must not waste it."

Axel shook his head slightly. Saïx's mouth went dry. Against all better judgment, he reached out and touched Axel's arm, softly.

"Please," he whispered again. "Don't give up."

Axel turned and stared at Saïx as though seeing through him. There was a strange threshold hidden in his eyes. The Diviner felt the floor drop out from under him. Perhaps, he realized, if he had meant to stop Axel's sanity from caving, this was not the best way to go about it. Perhaps he had already lost…

"Saïx," Axel said, his voice quiet, pleading. "Do you know… what Roxas has done for me? Do you know what has passed between us? Do you understand any of that?"

Saïx stared at the floor. "No," he said. "I'm afraid I haven't any idea."

Axel tossed his head in that peculiar way he had, and Saïx backed up a step, instinctively fearful of the Flame's rage. "That's because," Axel spat, his face twisted by bitterness, "that's because Roxas has never done anything for anyone. That's because Roxas has never done anything for _me._ I sit there like a fool. I listen to his concerns. I hang on his every word, I buy him ice-cream. I …" He shook his head, his voice breaking into a laugh of wonder. "I would die for the kid! I really would. This life means nothing, but to me… he meant everything. _Everything_."

He passed a hand in front of his face. "And all he's ever done, all he ever will do, is run away whenever I ask anything of him. He runs from feelings. He runs from life. He'll turn his back on the whole Organization, for the Hearts' sake, and we've done everything for him, given him all he's got. But all he does is take." He chuckled. "And stupid me – I gave him all I had."

_Axel_, Saïx wanted to say, and in that moment, how much he wanted to say it, to put into that name all the emotion he could never feel again, all the passion he wished so desperately to have. But he had not the courage to say it. He was not Axel. His acting was not as good – he wasn't daring enough, didn't want it badly enough – ultimately, he knew too much, saw the future before the present, saw how little it meant to need, to want, to love. In some way, he had failed, and the knowledge of that failure stung him, deep within, until he wanted to scream, to abandon himself to mindless frustration and despair.

He did not show any of it. Instead, he asked with a calm he didn't feel, "So what do you plan to do now?"

Axel turned back to the window. "Yes," he said, contemplatively. "That is the question, isn't it? And a very good one, at that." He rubbed his lips thoughtfully, and burst out laughing as he spun to face Saïx again. "See, you've been here too long. You're starting to rub off on me. I'm even talking like you." He walked to his smoking dresser, pulled out pants, a folded cloak, a sleeveless black shirt that he wriggled into sinuously, his body moving with a sensual rhythm that began at the shoulders and worked its way through his being. Saïx's mouth went dry again, and he forced himself not to look. What strange tide had gotten into his blood this night, he did not want to guess.

"You know," Axel said, with a touch of his old self, standing upright after tugging on pants and lacing on his tall black boots, "maybe what I need is to go away for a while. Get my mind off all this … crazy garbage. Think Xemnas would approve?"

"You're aware, of course, that I can't speak for the Superior?" Saïx said, the reaction automatic. He was still thinking on his odd lapse into emotion. It had been too long since his last berserk spell…

Axel waved a hand at him nonchalantly. "Yeah, yeah, I gotcha. You're a good little doggy, you don't stick your nose in where it doesn't belong. Except coming here, of course, but that was for the good of the family, too…"

He tugged on his gloves, ran a hand through his long hair, wincing as the gel caught his fingers. "Well, _puppy_, I hope you don't mind delivering a little message to your master, and Roxas, too, for that matter. You say Roxas is planning on leaving? Tell him he can't." Axel grinned, a disturbing, daredevil grin that made Saïx wonder if something had gotten permanently knocked loose in his brain, after all.

"And why is that?" Saïx asked softly.

"Don't frown like that, you look like a hedgehog," Axel laughed, his expression manic. The next moment, he was deadly serious again, green eyes glittering with an eerie determination. "Because _I'm_ leaving first. And if he tries to follow me… I'll kill him."

Saïx stared, his eyes wide. Horror descended upon him. Axel laughed, the frenzied madness back.

"Tell him that from me. Give my best to ol' Mansex, too, while you're at it." The redhead winked and strolled toward the door, still talking. "You know, I always wanted to call him that. Maybe I'll stay an extra day, just so I can do that before I go."

"But… Axel, wait!" The Diviner dashed toward his retreating form.

Axel stopped in the doorway, calling over his shoulder, "_What_, Saïx?"

"You can't turn your back on the Organization!" Saïx spat. A thin sense of déjà vu clouded his mind for a moment, but he was in no mood to analyze it. He stalked to the doorframe, tempests brewing in his bright eyes. "I'll track you down. I'll find you and beat the sense back into you! This is madness, Axel, there are no other words for it! This isn't the way things are meant to happen! This isn't how it should work out!"

"Then you shouldn't have interfered," Axel said, his face traitorously calm. "Weird stuff happens when you fuck with the future, Saïx. Funny you of all people wouldn't know that."

Then he smiled, his eyes almost rueful. "'Til next we meet, then. Make sure to do it quick and painless. I hate long goodbyes."

A few long red hairs had worked their way out of his finger-combed locks. They fell over his face, tracing strange lines across it, and for a moment he looked strange, almost human again. Saïx shook his head mutely, his eyes narrowed in rage and helplessness.

"You're a fool," he hissed, hating himself for it.

"I know," Axel replied, straightfaced.

Before Saïx could think, Axel had swooped in and kissed him, a quick brush on the cheek, nothing more. The redhead's grin when he pulled back was unbearably, gloriously proud – in one fluid motion, he slipped into the dark portal and out of sight.

"Congenital defect!" came his voice, cocksure to the last.

Saïx stood there, alone in an empty room down an empty hallway, fingers clenching and unclenching, unsure whether to be furious or desperately sad.

Eventually, as the safer option, he settled on furious.

With that decided, the Luna Diviner abandoned himself utterly to rage, and, summoning his claymore with something like relief, Saïx set about splintering Axel's furniture until the break of dawn.


	3. Chapter 2: Roxas' Breakfast

Roxas was in the habit of entering the kitchen late for breakfast. He pushed the door open listlessly, blinking his eyes in the bright light. The stares of the few other members that had bothered to show up greeted him as their eyes flicked toward him briefly; then they retreated back into their conversations or their meals with no comment for the smallest member. He was used to this, too, and paid it no mind. He had nothing to say to them, anyway - it was far too early.

Roxas noticed Xaldin was perched on the countertop, poking at the toaster with a bread knife in a groggy, pointedly-patient way. The toaster smoked vaguely in reply. About to go for his usual Poof Tarts™, Roxas elected for cereal instead. It was the third time this week that the toaster was down, and anyway, Xaldin was scary in the mornings. Scarier, if possible, than he was during the rest of the day.

He flumped in a chair and stared disconsolately down at his Poofy Puffs™, letting the conversations of the other members wash over him.

"And then I added a simple solution of sodium permanganate…" Vexen droned, voice hoarse from sleep, to a disinterested-looking Zexion.

"Looks like day three of our venture is underway… now, who's up next?" Luxord. Roxas didn't really want to know.

"That ensures the fixation process is complete. After that, well…"

"Vexen. Please. I'm trying to eat, not do complex genetics."

"Isn't it a little _early_ for gambling, Luxord?"

"Never _too_ early…"

"Stupid… freaking… toaster…"

Something was wrong with this picture, but Roxas couldn't quite put his finger on what it was. Hmh. Oh well. His mind was numb. The colorful roundels of wheat bobbed up and down in his milk entrancingly. He scooped up a spoonful of them, then let them drop, admiring the little orbs' descent.

The crackle of electricity shot through the air, followed by a volley of vehement curses. Roxas ducked as the toaster went flying to crash into the wall.

A portal opened, and the sound of laughter walked in with Larxene. She was pointing at Xaldin, her face contorted in fiendish glee, pink lips stretched wide in a grin. Roxas glanced up and hid a smile. Every hair on Xaldin's head stood on end, trying with all its might to defy his braids - his face was purple with fury. 

"Dear me, Xaldin. If it was something with electricity, you could have just _asked, _you know." She smirked, and the other members chuckled appreciatively.

The Lancer snarled. "Shut up," he spat, and stalked off to the sink to wet his hair. The giggles following him turned his neck and ears beet red as he bent down.

"So how goes it, Larxene?" Zexion asked, with more than a hint of relief. Vexen sniffed, denied a captive audience, and turned his attention back to his omelette.

"Really," Luxord said, cutting the deck and stifling a yawn. "It's nice to see you around here again. Ever since your new assignment, you've been notably scarce."

"Oh, _you_ know," Larxene said, rubbing her eyes. "Being in this Organization's not _all _fun and games. You all have it easy up here - Castle Oblivion's _always_ busy, now that our little _guest_ has come to play." She gave another wry smile, and everyone chuckled. "But don't you worry… he'll be ours within the week, just you watch."

"Oh really?" Luxord looked mildly interested. He took a bite of his apple and blinked up at her over the core. "Would you care to bet on that?"

She twitched a finger back and forth with a knowing smile, and Luxord chuckled, giving up gracefully. He returned to his game of solitaire.

Having made her entrance to her satisfaction, Larxene knelt by the toaster, which was lying in a miserable heap by the opposite wall. She carried it across the room, placing the appliance back on the counter with mocking gentleness before bustling to the corner for tea. Xaldin stalked over from the sink, trailing drips of water. Wriggling back onto the counter, he grumpily resumed his operations with the butter knife as though nothing had happened.

Yes, something was definitely missing from this picture. What was it? Who wasn't here? Roxas glanced around, blue eyes resting briefly on every half-awake face. The Superior… but then, he never showed up for breakfast, anyway - Roxas wondered if the Superior ever ate at all. Lexaeus and Marluxia would be back at Castle Oblivion, keeping watch over their mysterious prisoner. That left Saïx, and Xigbar…

Darkness swirled in one corner of the dining hall. Xigbar appeared, upside-down, as was his custom, and backflipped gracefully onto a chair, landing on his feet. He pulled back his hood, exposing his customary grin. 

"Morning, guys!" the sniper said. "D'ja miss me?"

They all stared at him wearily. Xigbar was always annoyingly energetic in the mornings. He chuckled at their reactions, then leapt over the table, crossing the room to lean on the counter. "Xaldin! Back here with your buddy all alone again, huh, man? That's gotta suck."

Xigbar was the only one brave enough - or foolish enough - to dare speaking to Xaldin this early in the day. Perhaps for this reason, Xaldin refrained from hitting him, conserving his energy for the reluctant appliance, his tongue poking out of his mouth in intent concentration.

"So," Xigbar went on, grabbing the coffeepot and pulling up a chair for himself, "I see Moony-Boy still hasn't showed himself this fine morning, eh?" His yellow eye leered at them with a fierce sort of vanity. "Assume you all've heard about the stuff that went on last night?"

Again, the group stared. Of course, none of them had heard, and all of them burned to know - but then again, Xigbar was an insufferable know-it-all, and who wanted to give him the satisfaction?

Finally, in exasperation, Larxene broke the silence. "Oh, _out_ with it then, you old prick! You know none of us have any idea what you're on about! _What_ happened last night?"

Xigbar smirked, swinging his heels up onto the table with a click and pouring himself a mug of coffee. "Well, gee, Larxene. Thought you'd never ask."

He downed the mug in one swallow, poured another, and continued. "We-ell," he said, conversationally, "I was chillin' out in the halls early this morning, y'know. Jus' minding my own business…"

Zexion muttered something darkly under his breath.

Roxas just listened, still staring down at the Poofy Puffs, which had long since dissolved into vague technicolored smears. Perhaps this had something to do with his strange feeling that something was missing from his morning routine.

"And then, along comes Xemnas, outta nowhere! So I follow him, y'know… gotta know what's up, otherwise what's the point…" Xigbar downed his second mug and poured a third. Placing the coffeepot onto the table, where it hissed a burn into the immaculate white surface, he took the sugar bowl and dumped a generous serving into his drink.

"Turns out," he went on, stirring the liquid, "he was headed for Axel's room. N' apparently, Saïx was in there, flippin' out - had been flippin' out all night. I went in after he dragged the kid out, and dude, that place is _trashed. _No lie. All the stuff in there's smashed to bits, the furniture, the walls even… everything. Axel's gone, of course, who'd stick around with _that_ guy wailin' on your stuff…" Xigbar shook his head. "Yeah, old Saïx was in rare form last night. Who knows why."

He glanced about furtively, lowering his voice to a hush as though he suspected Saïx himself were in attendance. "An' you know somethin'? Even _Xemnas_ couldn't calm Saïx down. He had to tie him up and shove him in his room. He's in there now, I guess, still fucked out of his mind…" The sniper chuckled, downing his third cup of coffee with relish, setting the mug down on the table with a porcelain clink.

Everyone gaped for a moment, this time not in disgust but intrigue. Then, as the information sank in, everyone chimed in all at once.

"But… why was Saïx even _in _Axel's room?" Xaldin asked harshly, grumpiness and toaster forgotten.

"Yeah, what were _they _up to?" Luxord chortled, turning over a card. "In the middle of the night, too, by the sound of it…"

"It _is _strange…" Zexion had retreated into himself; Roxas could very nearly see his synapses firing.

"And why would his rage have been triggered? What _did_ Axel _do_ to make Saïx that angry?" Vexen's eyes were alight, his omelette forgotten.

Roxas got up, dumped his bowl of milk and cereal into the sink, and placed the empty vessel by the dishwasher. Then he walked silently out, the buzz of speculation following him, dying to a murmur in his ears.

So _that _was it. Axel. Axel wasn't there. How could he have _been_ so stupid? Of course … it was no wonder breakfast had been so quiet, no wonder waking had come even later than usual. There had been no pillow in his face, no hands reaching into his blankets to tickle sense into him; there had been no laughing, teasing voice to wake him up at the table. Axel was gone. But where? And when would he return?

He had gotten quite far from the dining hall by now. His shoes clacked dully against the floor as he climbed up and up. Finally, he stopped, clenching his fists.

Roxas. Wake up. You're being retarded. He just left because Saïx was trashing his room, that's all. He's going to come back. You know he will.

And he did know it. He realized that, with a moment of relief. It was no big deal. He would have done the same thing, in Axel's place.

Satisfied, he began the climb again.

He would just go looking for the redhead, then. He'd probably spot Axel waiting around a corner, about to jump out in ambush. Or maybe Axel would catch up with him on his way to an extremely late breakfast. He might even be in Roxas' room, perhaps, stretched out on his bed, catching a few Z's after his unpleasant night. But undoubtedly, he'd come back, if he wasn't already here. Where else would he go?

He turned corners, paced corridors, endless, blank passageways that twisted round and round. Always the same dull, empty noise of footsteps, resounding footsteps.

Then Roxas jumped back in alarm. A portal appeared in front of him, stretching, distorting. The darkness died away to reveal Xigbar. He hung in midair, his face just in front of Roxas', twisted into a strange expression.

"Hey, little dude." Roxas blinked. "You're gonna go after 'im, aren't ya?"

"Huh?"

Xigbar shrugged. "Figured when you left breakfast, that was where you went. You're gonna try askin' Saïx what went down, aren't ya?"

Roxas hadn't really thought about where his feet were taking him, but, now that the gunner had posed the question, he realized with a shock that Xigbar was right. Roxas nodded. "Yeah. I am."

He snorted derisively, shook his head. "Kid, you've gotta be either brave or really, really fucking stupid. Prob'ly both, since I'm pretty stupid and even _I _know to stay away from Lunie when he gets loony like that. You're gonna get yer ass handed to ya, you know that?"

Roxas shrugged. "It happens."

Xigbar chuckled. "Just thought I'd warn ya. You know." He leaped, reversed his gravity, came down on the floor with his coat fluttering around him like wings. The grin he shot Roxas was as gruff as ever, but still, in some strange, calculated way - kind. "Figure it's what Axel would want me to do."

Then his eye danced with mischief. "You better tell me what the hell's goin' on when you get back, ya hear? I don' want news goin' out that I've gotta hear secondhand. Give it to me straight from the source, and I'll make life a little easier for ya. Got that, kid?"

Roxas nodded, almost smiled, in his absent sort of way. "I got it."

"Good." Darkness blossomed around Xigbar's slim form, enveloping slumping shoulders and a gleaming eye. He waved a hand jovially in Roxas' direction. "You be a good boy, now."

And he was gone.

Roxas hesitated, making up his mind. Now that his destination was in mind, he wondered at the madness that had led him to pursue Saïx. What had he been thinking? He hadn't. He had simply been acting - and, stepping off once again, Roxas cleared his mind of thought, and tried to get back to that state of equilibrium. After all, he was committed now. And he really did want to know what had happened.

There was still time. Maybe Axel would show up after all. Maybe Xigbar had just been lying, or having a bit of a laugh, and had strung him along this whole time. It was possible, he guessed.

Finally, after a few more minutes of walking, he reached the residence corridor. End to end, it stretched off in four directions, with three sets of rooms in each wing. Setting off down the right-hand fork, Roxas pulled his hood over his face, as though hoping to become invisible by doing so. Even so, the shadows surrounding his face gave him courage as he walked with quiet, purposeful strides to Saïx's door and knocked, his hand shaking a little.

"Xemnas?" came a quiet voice. Roxas breathed a silent sigh of relief. Saïx did not sound moon-mad - perhaps he had recovered since Xigbar had seen him.

"No, it's me," he said, and, on a whim, tried the handle. It was locked from the outside, but the latch worked for him, and the door swung open. "It's Roxas."

He squinted, trying to adjust his eyes to the dimness of the room. Somewhere in the shadows, Saïx brooded, and madness or not, that required preparation and careful planning.

"Roxas…" Saïx's voice mused. Roxas could see the faint outline of a head; then Saïx's face became visible. He was staring at Roxas as though mesmerized. A low chuckle came from his throat. Roxas' scalp prickled.

He wanted to run. Instead, he unlocked the latch and let the door swing shut behind him.

"And you've come, I assume, with regards to Axel?" Saïx said, his voice a smooth metallic buzz in Roxas' ears. Axel's name sounded strange on his lips.

Roxas nodded. "Do you know…" he began, but then stopped, unsure of what to ask. Finally, he decided on a simple, "Where is he?"

"You want to know where he is?" Saïx's voice was calm, almost amused. "How strange. I wasn't aware that you minded his absence."

"Of course I mind," Roxas replied. "He's my…"

Roxas stopped. What word was appropriate? 'Friend' was hardly the case for a being lacking a heart. Anything less was a poor excuse, and anything more… surely, impossible. "He's important, and I feel sure both the Superior and I would like to see him back as soon as possible."

"Hm. An interesting response. Very … dispassionate. Very typical." Now that his eyes had adjusted better, Roxas could see the older Nobody more clearly. He was hunched, kneeling, hands clasped behind his back uncomfortably. Silvery-blue hair matted with sweat or blood hung in his face, in defiance of its usual elaborate coiffure. "I admit that I am not sure of Axel's current location. Do you wish to know what happened between us?" He hitched his head in the direction of his hands. "Untie my bonds. Then I will tell you whatever you will."

Roxas' mouth went dry. He _was_ curious, but finding Axel would bring answers more reliable than Saïx's own, and besides… Saïx sounded sane now, but what was to stop him once he was released?

"No," Roxas said, his voice firm. "I trust that the Superior had his reasons for keeping you like this. He tied you up, and he can untie you. Just please… answer me. If you don't know, give your best guess. Where is Axel? Why did he leave? Is he going to come back?" The boy stopped, aware of how childish he sounded. Still, his anticipation clouded the silence between them.

Saïx laughed again, the sound oddly ragged. He stood, with some difficulty from his bound hands. Now that he was upright, Roxas could see that his cloak was ripped in places; his face was strangely marred, as though he had dug his own nails into his flesh. A fresh burn mark had seared the skin of his collarbone, and it peeked out from beneath his coat like an angry eye.

"So. You want to know why he left," Saïx breathed, his eyes glittering strangely. "Are you sure, Roxas? Do you really, truly want to know? Do you need it? Is it important to you?" He chuckled unsteadily. "Will you even believe me, if I tell you?"

"Why?" Roxas asked. Panic was beginning to overwhelm him. "What are you asking? What have you done with him, Saïx?" His fingers opened and closed on nothing, ready to draw out the Keyblades, ready to fight the madness he saw building in Saïx's eyes.

"What have _I _done?" Saïx gave a barklike laugh. The smooth calmness was deserting him more and more quickly; his expression was dark, eager, almost hungry. "Ah, yes… it _is _my fault, after all… I have made my contribution, I make no denial of it… There is knowledge that no man on earth is prepared to bear, and it was that that I sought and that which I shared. Yes… you are quite right, Roxas. It is my fault. I am to blame."

Saïx's shoulders had filled with tension as he spoke; now they relaxed. The berserker's expression was penitent, and the light of Kingdom Hearts through the window shone on his face. His golden eyes stared at the floor. "I shared too much. In doing my duty, I have failed. Not only Xemnas, but…" His eyes flickered. "But … the Organization as well. I deserve your anger, your hatred. If you have any to give, that is. I deserve to suffer, for what I have done."

Roxas took a step forward - whether to comfort or to interrogate, he wasn't sure. Saïx's head snapped up, freezing him to the spot. "But then again…" he said softly, almost wonderingly, "Surely it can't be all my fault. Yes… it wasn't only me who brought this about. Let us not be so quick to assign that blame to only me. There is another… another who can be credited with this terrible burden…"

Roxas stared at Saïx, uncomprehending. The memory of fear stole in again. He pushed it away, but what he could not will away was Saïx's gaze, the way his eyes burned into Roxas, suddenly full to the brim with an unspeakable loathing.

"Do you want an answer, Roxas?" Saïx hissed. "Do you truly desire such a thing? But it is suffering which you deserve, too… and you don't even know it. You cannot know… you haven't the _perception_ to see what your actions bring about, what they mean to everything that lives. You cannot dream of the effect of your miserable, nonexistent life on other miserable lives." He shook his head. "No, surely you cannot; you are no Diviner. And yet you come to me, to the one who knows you for what you really are, to ask me where Axel is. Where your… 'friend' is. As though I know the answer." He laughed again, mirthlessly, orange eyes flashing a cold fire. "As though I would tell you if I did!"

The boy stepped back. Palpable force was radiating from the figure of the desperate creature standing before him. "What are you talking about?" he asked, his voice twisted by fear and anger. "I haven't done anything! What do you want from me?"

"You want an answer? You want to know why he left?" Saïx asked, heedless of Roxas' questioning. His voice rose to a roar. "Then look in yourself, you wretch, you filth, you… you _traitor!_ - don't come crawling to me! _You_ caused this! It was _you!_ You were the cause, and although I was the emissary, the bearer of your filth, you were the one who dreamed it into being, you were the core of it all! You, Keyblade Bearer, you Nobody, you _nothing_, you are the source of all of this corruption… all of this intolerable pain!

The berserk spell complete, Saïx lunged, great growling sobs heaving his chest, face twisted, hands working, straining against the ropes that bound him. Roxas stepped nimbly to the side and stuck out a foot. The Luna Diviner tripped, overbalanced, fell to the floor, and an impotent howl rose from his prone body as he lashed back and forth in the grip of a frenzy, shrieking for freedom and blood.

Summoning a Keyblade, Roxas placed its tip to Saïx's throat. Saïx fell quite still. His liquid yellow eyes glided over Roxas' face in sweeping flickers, as though blind.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Roxas said, quite calmly for all that. "But you need to stop this. Now. Calm down, Saïx, and either tell me where Axel is, or tell me flat-out that you don't know. Or so help me, I _will_ end your miserable existence. You can search for your heart in the depths of whatever shadow land you come to on the Other Side."

Saïx's chest heaved. His eyelids fluttered in jerking spasms. His jaws worked as though he were biting back curses, or uttering them behind his lips. Roxas watched, dispassionate and wary. Saïx's fits required time to resolve, but he was a patient person.

Slowly, slowly, minute by agonizing minute, the fit subsided as the beast within recognized its defeat. Saïx's breathing grew even. The scar across his face seemed to diminish as the yellow tint left his eyes, fading away to pale normalcy. Shudders racked the Luna Diviner's body as the spirit of anger left him, pinning him to the ground, twitching through every muscle and nerve. Roxas watched, careful not to nick his captive carelessly before he returned to his senses.

Finally, Saïx shook his head. His shoulders trembled. The fit exhausted, in the Heart's light he looked pale, infirm, half-dead. "I've told you," he said, his voice a harsh, spent echo. "I don't know where Axel is. He left last night, when I told him of my vision - that you would leave this Organization and betray us to our enemies. He told me that he would never return again."

Saïx's voice was unbearably tired, filled with despair. Roxas chanced one last question. "Anything else you have to say before I go?"

The Diviner thought. "Yes," he said softly. "Axel also told me that you should not go looking for him."

Roxas stared. "Not… not look for him?"

Saïx's eyes were implacable. "Not if you value your life. Such as it is." A final shudder jerked through him. His long hair covered his face. "That is all that I have to tell you."

"Thanks, then," Roxas said, sincerely.

Saïx nodded indistinctly. "Now go. And lock the door behind you. That will not be the last spell tonight, and … and I wish to be alone."

The boy nodded, stood, and left the berserker to his own devices, sprawled prone on the bedroom floor.

Easing his way out into the hallway, Roxas let the door slide shut behind him, clicking the latch on the outside as it closed. The light was blinding out here; he closed his eyes and thought, or tried to, but everything was a jumbled mess.

Like the mysterious dreams that he'd been having, nothing made sense to him. All that Saïx had said seemed incomprehensible. He could scarcely remember it now, anyway. It was probably up there somewhere, stored away, where he could ease his way around the memory and gradually feel it again.

But not now. Not right now. Whatever Saïx had shouted or whispered or screamed, now was not the time to understand it. Now was the time to… to… what?

He opened his eyes, and the number VIII stared him in the face. Axel's room.

Maybe… just maybe, all of this had been a hallucination. Another dream. Maybe he'd go in, and find out that Xigbar had lied, and he could be happy. Or at least, ignorant of something more, some terrible knowledge that he didn't yet possess fully but felt all the same.

Roxas ventured across the hall, opening the door, hoping, praying, that everything would be exactly the same as it always had been. Seeing it vividly in his mind's eye, he was nearly able to convince himself that everything was right again. There is nothing which we have more faith in than what is most real, most common, and most treasured.

The door snagged on a splinter of wood. In that instant, all his faith shattered.

Roxas stepped inside. Glass grated under the tread of his shoes. The bed, the dresser, even Axel's ridiculous posters - it was as though a tornado had made its way through the room, wreaking havoc with a vengeance, leaving nothing behind. Great gauges of paint and plaster had been torn out of the walls and scattered everywhere. Debris littered the room, spattered with dark, tar-like blood. Saïx's? Xemnas'? Axel's? Roxas didn't want to think about it.

He walked in a little further and felt something crunch under his feet. Lifting the object, he discovered it was a picture frame. Inside, still smiling from behind the broken glass, was the Axel and Roxas of a month ago, standing on a street corner in Twilight Town, arms around each other's shoulders. Roxas was making a peace sign with his free hand; the other clutched an ice-cream pop. Axel had elected instead to flip the cameraman off, as charming and debonair as always. His tongue licked at Roxas' ice-cream. Both of them wore huge smiles - Roxas blinked at his, at the way it had transformed his face, and touched it with the tip of his thumb. In that instant, Nobody or not, he had felt…_ normal. _Happy. Complete.

He had thought at the time that the two of them would remain like this forever. It was funny - they would, after all. Frozen in time between two layers of plastic. Frozen in memory by some cruel perversion of thought, some illusory memory of an emotion. Like a specimen for study, like an embryo in a glass case, all that could have developed from a moment like this was stilled and aborted, with no way to regain its potency, its life, its hope.

He began to put the photo back, then changed his mind. He didn't want someone like Xemnas picking this up, analyzing it coolly and calmly, asking him questions about when this had happened ("I don't remember") and how it had made him feel ("I don't feel anything"). Roxas put the photo in his jacket pocket, and, taking one last glance around the ravaged room, he walked out into the hallway again.

For hours, Roxas wandered the Castle that Never Was, the hollow sound of his footsteps matching his mood, searching everywhere, ceaselessly, for a flash of red hair, a maddening grin, a cocksure swagger, a mischievous laugh. He looked for green eyes that smoldered and pierced and arms that were too quick to gesture, or to hold him when he wished it, or even when he didn't wish it. He looked for pranks and for shameless flirting that was half a joke and half a prank and half an unspoken truth.

Hours upon hours of searching, avoiding the gazes of the others, the swaying of the skittish Dusks, the patient vigil of his own Samurai.

Finally, quite suddenly, Roxas found himself wandering out of the castle, down the long bridge spanning the chasm, into the Dark City. He called the Darkness to him, sheathing the light of the Keyblades in nothingness, repelling the hoards of Heartless that threatened to stall him in his quest. Comforted by that nihilistic, animating presence, he smiled and continued on through labyrinthine streets and dark alleyways. The twisting maze was no mystery to him. And at the end of it, surely, would be …

… He didn't want to speak the name to himself. Didn't want to hope. Maybe if he didn't say it, _he_ would come back, and everything would be the way it was. Maybe saying it would jinx him somehow.

He said it anyway. "Axel."

Relief and confusion flooded him. Had he ever even said that name aloud before? Had he ever really wanted to say it, or had Axel just been there, without his asking, simply because he understood? The name felt flinty and foreign on his lips, an alien presence, an absent silhouette, and Roxas felt the darkness cluster around him. Roxas felt, Roxas _knew_ (for he could not feel), that he had lost something. It had never been named, never been fully felt, never been appreciated, but he had lost it nonetheless.

His fingers clenched and the pain rent his empty chest, but despite it all, he could not cry. Despite that he had lost the only meaning in his life, Roxas could not feel its loss enough even to weep. That fact scared him more than anything else ever had.

After a few moments of straining, the slate-colored sky spilled over onto him, onto the streets, onto the useless blinking lights. Rain puddled in the shadows and the corners, ran down the steps of Memory's Skyscraper, sticking to every patch of darkness, every empty place. Roxas let it rain down on his hood, beat on his shoulders, like a passing, frenzied feeling. Strong and sustaining, cathartic, even - it could be called - lovely. But ultimately useless, ultimately futile, ultimately tragic. Ultimately nothing at all.


End file.
